A situation in the workplace that unfortunately many of us will encounter is learning that a coworker has been diagnosed with a serious illness. Every situation is unique, but a very common concern is how to respond. You may have had personal experiences with family or friends getting sick or with grief. With our coworkers, this can be a tender and uncomfortable situation. You may wonder: What should I say or not say? What should I do?
Acknowledge and Ask
People have different needs when it comes to health and personal concerns. Some people want the support that comes from talking and sharing while others want more privacy. By directly acknowledging the illness, you are creating the space for your coworker to talk about it if he/she chooses to do so.
- Briefly acknowledge what you know:
“I understand that you’ve been diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been thinking about you.”
- Ask your coworker how much they want to talk about their illness:
“Is this something you want to talk about?”
- If you are comfortable offering emotional or tangible support, say so:
“This must be hard for you. I’m here whenever you would like to talk about it.”
“Do you want to get coffee on Tuesday?”
“I’d like to prepare a meal for you. Is this Friday okay?”
Getting Back to “Normal”
Your coworker is more than his/her illness. If your coworker is able to continue working, this can be a much needed break from thinking about the illness. While it is okay to acknowledge the illness, don’t solely focus on it in all your interactions with him/her. Continue the relationship that you’ve always had.
If your coworker is taking time off work, follow the lead of the individual, but talking about other interests can help your coworker feel connected.
Some Dos and Don’ts to Guide Your Interactions
Do…
- communicate that you care, for example by saying, “I’ve been thinking about you.” “If you need to talk, I’m here for you.” “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” If you don’t know what to say, say “I’m very sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
- be genuine.
- make eye contact.
- allow time and space for a real connection.
Don’t…
- give advice. Instead, be present and listen.
- pry or ask too many questions. Follow his/her lead.
- say “I know how you feel.” Instead, ask how your coworker feels and listen.
- say “Get well soon.” With many diagnoses, getting well is not an option.
- tell a story about another person with a similar issue. Your coworker is going through a very personal concern.
Be mindful that your past experiences and reactions with illness and grief may be triggered by learning about your coworker. If this is the case, remember you can draw on self-care and coping strategies that have helped in the past. It is very normal to be affected by those around us, and recognizing that we have been moved is the first step in figuring out how to best take care of ourselves and others.
Claire is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with expertise in body-oriented psychotherapy. She works as a Behavioral Health/EAP Consultant, providing workplace consultations to employers and assessment and referrals to clients.