When I was in elementary school, in the mid to late 60’s, we had bomb drills periodically at school. At that time, the Atom bomb was invented and people were fearful that one might be dropped. So, bomb drills were initiated in an effort to prepare for such an event. The bomb drills were much like the fire drills of today except we practiced “duck and cover”. At some point I became aware that the reason we were practicing “duck and cover” was in the event a bomb was dropped. I made the assumption that we were practicing because a bomb was going to be dropped on my school. I was concerned for my safety. Eventually an adult explained that the drills were our way to prepare just in case it happened. She also explained that if a bomb were to be dropped it would not necessarily be near my school. I was comforted by this explanation.
More recently, there have been news stories almost weekly about mass shootings, violence in school, and terrorist attacks on American soil. Children may hear about these stories from their peers, and see or hear it from the media. Some children will take the information in stride, and others may have some anxiety about their own safety. Some may feel empathy for the victims. Concerns can sometimes turn into excessive worry or anxiety. Children may have questions for their parents, which may in turn cause parents concern about how to discuss these topics:
- “Should I ignore the question?”
- “What should I say?”
- “How much should I say about it?”
- “Will discussing it only cause more anxiety?”
- “Should I share my concern about it?”
When a parent knows how to manage these types of questions correctly they can use this as a learning tool for coping with both their own and their children’s anxiety and to teach empathy.
As a parent it is important to talk to your children about violent events to help them put things into perspective. For very young children, it is a little easier to shield them from seeing violent images by monitoring what they view. School age children have more opportunities to see or hear something at school, on TV, and on the computer. Parents will want to know what their child has heard. Communicating with children gives you a chance to dispel those incorrect assumptions. For many parents a discussion of this nature necessitates some forethought. You don’t want to cause your child to have anxiety if they don’t already have it. Children ask questions in passing or in the most inopportune times. Having a plan to address these questions will help to avoid awkwardness or missteps.
There are four general concepts to consider when talking to your child about violence. Each of these concepts is described below.
#1 - Have a plan
Have a plan to address questions when your child asks them. Before discussing a topic with your child, you will want to find out what they know about it first. You will want to find out what about the topic is of concern, which will help you meet them where they are without stumbling around in the dark and possibly adding to their anxiety by touching on aspects they have not thought about. You don’t want to create more concern. Lastly, if this is not a concern for your child, don’t make it a concern for them. Wait until they bring it up and are ready to ask.
Listen to your children when they play with their peers and when you are in the car. Children are candid and will come right out and ask or tell you what’s on their mind. If they bring up a topic at an inopportune time, have a plan to handle these types of questions. If you are not able to answer the question right away, let your child know you want to discuss it with them and be sure to bring it up again later at a more convenient time. By following through and remembering to ask later, your child will feel validated and know that you are concerned about their concerns. When you do have the time to discuss the topic with them, start by asking what they know about the subject. Ask them where they heard the information that they have. Ask what they think about the topic and validate their feelings. Let them know that you see they are concerned. Ask what they think should be done about the situation. This is a good time to dispel any misinformation your child may have heard from peers, or assumptions they have made about the situation.
#2 - Encourage an open dialogue
Invite open dialogue with your child about his/her concerns. Make time to discuss children’s concerns. Encourage your children to talk to you about their concerns. Encourage them to check with you when they hear something from their peers so you can tell them the truth and eliminate any misconceptions. Don’t dismiss them or their feelings as ridiculous or silly. Regardless of how unlikely or silly it is, it is their feeling and should be acknowledged.
One technique in engaging a discussion is to ask open ended questions. Open ended questions start with Who, What, Where, When, or Why. These types of questions cannot be answered with a “yes” or a “no”. They elicit more information and allow the child to begin where they want to begin. Again, this allows the child to lead you in the discussion into their thoughts, ideas, feelings and concerns. It gives you a starting place where the child is instead of starting where you think they are. It empowers the child to guide the discussion.
#3 - Give simple, honest, and age appropriate information
Be honest, give simple and age appropriate information to children. Once you know what you want to tell your child, make it simple, truthful and age appropriate. Use simple language they understand. Give simple examples. If you launch into a long explanation you may lose them. All they may want to know is “What does this violence me to me?” or “Why did it happen?” Be truthful in the information you give. If you don’t know, say you don’t know. Let them know if it makes you sad to hear someone was hurt and ask them what they think. Give age appropriate information. A 5 year old is not going to understand all the nuances of racism but they can understand that some people don’t like others because they are different from them. Provide age appropriate answers in age appropriate language.
#4 - Provide comfort and security
Provide reassurance and security by explaining what is done to keep the child safe. Provide reassurance that everything is being done to keep them safe. Give examples of the things that are done to keep them safe. Talk about how you hold their hand in parking lots because they are small and drivers cannot see them sometimes but the driver can see you. Talk about how you lock your doors to keep them safe. Explain the rules in their school for strangers on the school grounds. When you are out and about show them how certain places have metal detectors, security officers, and alarm systems to keep them safe. Empower your child by developing a plan with them of what to do if they become separated from you or are in an uncomfortable situation. Discuss with them finding an adult they trust and telling them why they feel unsafe. Discuss finding a police officer. If it is age appropriate explain the likelihood that something violent will happen in their area.
Conclusion
It is best to limit your child’s access to violent images and information according to their age. This is not always possible as they get older and are exposed more to the world outside your home. This is difficult to do all the time. For times when your child does have questions, be ready and equipped to discuss it by knowing the 4 concepts to discussing it.
If you are curious about the bomb drills of the 1960’s, look at this you tube link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=120wGLgCTkg
http://childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-a-parent/communication/talk-to-kids-media-violence/
http://www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids/news/
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/15109195/ns/health-childrens_health/t/how-talk-your-kids-about-shootings/