For most parents the word “teenager” puts fear into their hearts. After surviving the sleepless nights, and the dreaded “terrible twos”; after making it through the first day of school, the first lost tooth, the first soccer game or dance competition, things tend to settle into a relatively regular pattern. Your child’s personality develops, you get to know him or her, and he or she get to know you. Things seem relatively calm. Then, all of a sudden, you start noticing changes, small ones at first, the showers get a little longer, the bedroom door is locked, there are phone calls, texts, emails from friends, or a new boy or girl. Is that cologne you smell? Suddenly it is no longer cool to hang on the couch and snuggle with mom while you watch Jeopardy, then you realize that the most feared time is closing in on you. Your child is becoming an adolescent.
While there is often concern about the changes that are occurring in your child, it is important to remember that this is the normal process of growing up and becoming an adult. We all went through it and we all survived. So while this time may be scary, the changes that are occurring are important for your child to begin to gain the independence he or she will need to succeed in the adult world. Understanding the normal process of adolescent development can help you, as a parent, assist your child in navigating what can be a tumultuous time.
Remember the old PSAs that always ended with the slogan “The more you know”? Well now is the time to take this lesson to heart. Educate yourself about the changes that are coming. Read books about teenagers. Try to remember your teen years, how dramatic everything felt, how your changing body made you feel embarrassed (like when you got that pimple on school picture day and declared that you were “never going to school again”). If you know what is coming you can better prepare, and this will make it easier to cope with the changes.
Keeping the lines of communication open is incredibly important during the adolescent years. And guess what moms and dads? Most likely, they are not going to come and talk to you. You will need to go to them and you will need to be prepared. While you do not want to overwhelm you child with information, it is important to make sure that your child has the information he or she needs before changes occur. The earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Make sure your child knows that no question is stupid and that if they are getting confusing information or hearing things at school, that you are the best source for the truth. Make sure you have the correct answer and, if you do not, find it out. It may also be easier for your child to talk to a trusted family friend or close relative. Sometimes mom or dad is not the one he or she wants to speak to. Don’t get offended. As long as they are getting correct information from a trusted source, you are on the right track.
As your adolescent starts to gain independence, it is normal to want to express him or herself, and sometimes this may mean doing things you just do not like. Pick your battles, moms and dads. If your child wants to dye their hair or wear funky clothing, this may be a much healthier way of rebelling than using drugs or alcohol. Again, communication is key; discuss with your child the implication of a dramatic change and how this sudden change might be perceived by others. Ask why he or she is feeling the need to be different. In the end, you may find the answer is simpler than you thought and you avoided the dreaded power struggle while allowing your child to express him or herself in a healthy way.
While it is ok to allow your child to have some independence during this time, and personal expression will be more acceptable, it is imperative that there be clear limit setting. Your child needs to understand that while they will be given more freedom during this time, there are certain expectations that are required to be met. Good grades, appropriate behavior, sticking to house rules, coming home on time, are just a few examples of these expectations. While your child may seem unhappy about the rules and expectations, it is important to stick to them. Adolescence is a tumultuous time and while your child may see it differently, having rules and limits help to maintain a sense of safety and comfort in his or her life.
Ok parents, this is a tough one. You are going to have to respect your child’s privacy. While you may feel that anything your child is doing is your business, it is important to remember that as your adolescent navigates into adulthood you will need to grant them a certain amount of privacy. So, take a deep breath here, your kids room, emails, texts, phone calls etc., should be allowed to be private. Your child should understand that they have been given this as a privilege and that if the trust is broken he or she will be given less freedom until it is rebuilt, but until that time comes, and hopefully it won’t, their stuff is there stuff and it is for their eyes only.
While a certain amount of change can be expected during the adolescent years, this can also be a time when mental health issues may start to arise. While you can always expect a glitch or two during this time, your once very outgoing child should not suddenly be withdrawn, and your A/B student should not suddenly have failing grades. There are several warning signs you should look for that may indicate your adolescent needs professional help.
- Extreme changes in weight
- Dramatic changes in sleep patterns
- Sudden personality change
- Changes in friends
- Failing grades
- Talking or joking about suicide or self- harm
- Signs of drug or alcohol use
- Problems with authority figures or the law
If you notice any of these changes in your child, you may want to consider seeking professional help. Your EAP is a great place to find resources to assist you.
Resources:
A Parent’s Guide To Surviving the Teen Years-www.kidshealth.org
Surviving Adolescence-www.drswerdlow-freed.com
Surviving (Your Child’s) Adolescence-www.psychologytoday.com
Surviving Adolescence-Difficulties for Young People-www.patient.info
Sarah is a Connecticut Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 years of experience working the mental health field. She is currently employed as a Behavioral Health Clinical Care Manager in Connecticut working to assure that Anthem members receive the highest quality care in the most appropriate setting.