Conflict is an unavoidable part of life. At some point, in all relationships no matter how good, there will be conflict. No two people see eye to eye on everything and if not handled right, conflict can go wrong. Although some people do handle conflict well, in general, most of us could use some help.
“Conflict is a puzzle to solve, not a battle to fight.” 1
Many people have experienced the damaging effects that poorly handled conflict can have on a relationship. At the very least, we’re all aware of situations where conflict has gone wrong with others. Common signs of poorly handled conflict include:
- Avoidance
- Anxiety
- Defensiveness
- Damaged relationships
- Division
- Blaming
- Chaos
- Hard feelings
- Hostility
- Drama
- Alienation
How people engage in conflict is a learned behavior. Generally, these behaviors are modeled by your observations of caregivers and/or significant people throughout your life. You may have had skillful people modeling conflict with good equitable outcomes. If you did, then humor those of us who weren’t so lucky. If you had poor modeling, you may have experienced very negative consequences when there were disagreements. Even in the best of circumstances, human beings are still fallible and prone to emotional responses, over reactions, and misconstrued intent, especially when there are disagreements around emotionally charged subjects.
Outlined below is a series of questions that can promote good conflict resolution. In his book titled “How to Solve Your People Problems,” Dr. Alan Goodwin outlines five steps critical to successful conflict management with reasonable people. 2 He contends that conflict is successfully resolved only after all the questions have been addressed. Leave out any one and the conflict will be unresolved.
1) Which problem will we fix?
We all know the old saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!” The same is true with solving a conflict. In successful conflict resolution, we start by identifying only ONE problem, not everything that comes to mind. This allows our limited energy to work with “bite-sized chunks” of the elephant. Failure to narrow down our focus leads us to exhaustion and accomplishes nothing.
2) Why do we feel so strongly?
Conflict can trigger past unresolved emotional issues. We all have the figurative “emotional buttons” that when pushed, set off a cascade of strong feelings and thoughts that bring out our insecurities and weaknesses or leaves us feeling easily threatened. With awareness of our buttons, the tendency to overreact can be managed. Our personal awareness keeps the intensity of the discussion manageable and allows us to stay in the present moment, focused on the current issue. However, remember that the other person has “emotional buttons” as well. We can counteract our tendency to react to their responses by extending others empathy, which increases your ability to understand their perspective.
“Empathy is the ability to understand or feel what another being (a human or non-human animal) is experiencing from within the other being's frame of reference.” 3
Empathy has a counterpart called validation. Validation is a way of understanding another’s point of view as legitimate. Validation does not mean agreement; simply it is an acknowledgement that given the other person perceptions the conclusions they are making have legitimacy.
Without empathy and its counterpart, conflict resolution will derail and turn into an argument about whose “preference” has greater validity.
3) How can we agree to fix it? What solution(s) can most closely satisfy the interests of both parties?
The awareness and understanding generated from empathy and validation allow us to humble ourselves and work towards mutual agreement. Humility allows humans to be open to alternative views of thought. When we are humble, we are able to set aside the arrogance of ego and embrace a modest position that we are not the source of all answers. It enables us to see another person’s perspective because we realize that a single person cannot have all the answers. This opens the door to mutual problem solving, allowing us to look for a constructive resolution between two parties.
4) What will we do to implement it?
In this step, we lay down specific actions that will steer us toward the intended destination. Simply, we turn intention into a plan. Successful plans involve a concrete and specific structure that moves us toward the goal. Not only do we define the plan in specific terms but we also develop clear-cut ways to measure our progress and make sure that we remain on course. It’s our ability to be reliable that makes sure the initial statements of intent become actions.
5) When will we evaluate it?
The final question ensures that we examine how well the solution is working over-time and structures adjustments to the plan when necessary. For success, each person is required to take personal responsibility for the outcome. Being accountable to the other person and responsible to the awareness generated in previous steps is fundamental to bringing the conflict to a successful resolution. If we make a mistake, we can admit fault and apologize.
These questions help narrow the focus into a single problem, strengthen personal awareness of our emotional biases, increase our receptiveness to others perspectives, set structure for action, and focus personal responsibility into follow-up of the solution. Is it easy? NO WAY! It takes work, perseverance and a great deal of frustration tolerance but most importantly, it takes practice. Conflict resolution is a skill honed through repetition. Expecting perfect results immediately will lead to disappoint. However, with continued effort, you will see gains and with enough practice, the skillset will become more and more natural and beneficial.
Resources:
1 http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/LeaderLetter/confront.htm
2 Goodwin, Alan (2011). How to solve your people problems: Dealing with your difficult relationships. Brentwood: Rosenbaum & Associates Literary Agency Inc.
3 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy
Rob Peterson, MA, LPC, CACIII. Rob currently works for Anthem as an Employee Assistance Program Consultant. He received his Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology and Counselor Education from the University of Colorado, where he trained in Marriage and Family Therapy. Through his career, he has had a variety of work experiences in the mental health field. He has developed and managed intensive treatment programs and practiced therapy in a variety of settings including employee assistance, outpatient and residential programs.