There are no manuals for developing expertise in grand parenting. I offer my perspective, distilled and filtered through my professional and personal experience. With the birth of my 6th grandchild and a few years under my belt, I offer my insights on the value of a grandparent as part of the “Village” that raises a child.
As I witness my children parent their own children, I see the ebb and flow of energy and exhaustion, patience and frustration, love blended with expectation and parental joy or disappointment. As a parent, I can remember days on end of sleep deprivation, unending chores of feeding, bathing, dressing, being a referee, and chauffeuring my children through the activities of daily living. At the end of the day I would wish for some magical intervention to relieve my suffering. Often, it would take the form, “if only grandpa or grandma were here”. If you happen to be an available grandparent there at that wishful moment when the parent expresses this rescue fantasy, resist the urge to “step in”, whether by invitation or self-direction.
One of the great values of being a grandparent is to be that “wise observing witness” that offers, empathy, understanding and support, as one who, “has been there”. Stepping in to “be the parent” can provide relief, but the unintended consequence over time for the parent may be feeling some guilt (I’m not good enough”) to shame (“there is something wrong with me”). I have learned that “helping out” is more effective than “stepping in.” As a grandparent, taking a supporting role honors the parent’s values and goals. The adage “two heads are better than one” and “an extra pair of hands is always welcome” easily applies to this relationship. Being the grandparent provides reassurance to the parent that mistakes and missteps are normal. Reflecting back on my many years as a parent, I can recall being on my “last nerve “and reacting from my emotional mind. I benefitted from the nonjudgmental “best thinking” offered by my parents and that extra hand. The effect of a trusted adult, who accepts, understands and provides a reflective moment is invaluable.
For the child, the experience of the grandparent acting like a parent can be confusing. Even more so, acting like the indulgent or stricter parent confuses the child’s understanding of who you are as a grandparent. It also makes it unclear what your role and relationship is with the parent. Healthy parenting is delivering love with an expectation to master the developmental milestones in a child’s life. Healthy grand parenting is creating a relational place in the “Village” where the child experiences validation and a break from attempting to master those milestones. One of the greatest joys of being a grandparent is offering a “safe harbor from the storm” of childhood responsibilities and parental expectations. Giving grandparent love is the purest form of unconditional love. This is indeed a rare but essential element for a thriving child. Every child needs to build a core self-image of being “OK no matter what”. Grandparent love is a critical part of building this healthy self-image of the child.
Grand parenting is not granted solely through family lineage. An adult seen in the family as honoring the parent(s) and serving the best interest of the child and the parental relationship can find a place in the “Village” as a “grand”.
You may be a grandparent, raising your grandchildren. You are honored for this. While grandparents are important, parenting is essential. I encourage you to be the best parent you can be and recruit a “grandparent” into your “Village”.
I’ve found a few grand parenting resources on line for you to explore.
1. Grands Matter. www.grandsmatter.org
2. Grandparents Resource Center. www.grc4usa.org
3. Grandparents Raising Grandchildren. www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com
Thomas Edgar, MSW, MHS, LCSW is an Anthem Care Manager assigned to the Behavioral Health Resource Center and EAP. His professional experience includes private practice in behavioral health and extensive experience in the development and delivery of employee assistance programs and services to business and industry.