Our society often sends messages that the Holidays are to be a time of joy and happiness. We are inundated with images of family gatherings that show people of all ages enjoying their time together, yet we know this isn’t always the case. The holidays often invoke anxiety. For many it is the one time of the year they feel forced to spend extended time with people they normally don’t see, and sometimes don’t get along with. Family gatherings often consist of people who hold differing political and religious views. Our nation has just finished a very long tiring election cycle. A cycle that left many people with a feeling of uncertainty for the future, while fueling others with a sense of hope that change is coming. This clash of ideals may only contribute to anxiety felt during this holiday season but, there are many things you can do to try and make the time spent with relatives enjoyable and that’s what I hope to share with you here.

Mental preparation:  You know your family better than anyone else which means you know the people that have different views from you. If you’ve had past conflicts with certain individuals, think through those interactions and try to identify the triggers that contributed to the situation. Keeping in mind that you can only control yourself, see if there are things you could have done differently that may have lead to a better outcome. Is there one family member who you know just won’t let it go and will have to discuss politics (please tell me I’m not the only family with this person)? Before seeing that person, think of other topics you can discuss with that individual: sports, books, and movies are often safe subjects. But let’s be honest, there are still going to be times when someone directs comments towards you that are going to challenge your views. What then?

Ask yourself the following: Before commenting it might be best to ask yourself the following: “What good will saying anything do?” During my own struggles with family, I once had a therapist say to me that too often we make comments during situations in which commenting will not make a difference. If you know that the other party isn’t going to be changed by your comments, what good does it do to comment in the first place? This can be challenging but it can be part of your mental preparation discussed earlier. You can prepare by telling yourself several times, “I’m not going to respond when I feel attacked.” This brings us to my next suggestion:

Be prepared to walk away from situations: If you know you’re only going to say something negative, wouldn’t it be better to just remove yourself from the situation instead of adding to the tension? There’s nothing wrong with excusing yourself from these situations.

Minimize Alcohol Intake: I have overheard people say that they cope with their families by drinking alcohol to relax, but we know the opposite happens. When we drink alcohol, our inhibitions decrease which means we are more likely to respond to challenging situations in a negative way. We are less likely to be rationale in the moment and more likely to say or do something that adds to the friction.

Put down social media: Technology is an amazing thing. We have the ability to see what is happening just about anywhere in the world at any time. But let’s be honest. Most of us set our social media apps to our own opinions which means we get messages from Twitter and Facebook that we further support our point of view. It’s tempting to use this technology to show the other person that they are wrong, but is this really the point of spending time with our families? Studies continue to show that people rarely change their views even when presented with what we believe are “the facts”. So try something radically different this year- put your phone down for the entire day. Spend time just being with people you care about. I worked with one family where they collected everyone’s cell phone a few hours prior to the big meal and no one was able to get their phone for a few hours afterwards. This was agreed upon by everyone beforehand, but it really helped the family avoid confrontations…at least during dinner.

Set expectations: If you know you’re either hosting or going to be around a group of people with diverse views, making a simple state such as, “I’m not interested in discussing politics and religion while we are together.” Or “I just want to catch up with everyone.” can be very helpful. Once this expectation is set, you can simply refer to it in the moment if needed.

Plan activities: Sometimes simply planning activities will foster an environment in which families can interact without discussing issues. Activities like movies, board games, playing cards, going for walks or just getting out of the house can create situations in which people are encouraged to focus on different things than their own thoughts.

The holidays can be very challenging yet there are things we can do to reduce the anxiety and stress that often come with them.