If this holiday season is the first after the death of a loved one, you may be wondering how you will get through it. The winter holidays can be a challenging time for anyone who has suffered a loss, whether it’s the first year, the fifth or the twenty-fifth. The holidays often bring extra time spent with family, and usually a whole lot of expectations.
If this topic speaks to you, I’d like to offer a few things to consider. First, you will get through the holidays. It may be bumpy and it will be different, but in a few weeks you will be back to whatever the new normal looks like in the absence of your loved one.
Don’t judge yourself or expect to feel a certain way. Maybe you think you have to “get over it” and be merry. Maybe you worry that feeling joy and connection will betray your loved one. For the next couple weeks, why not be gentle with yourself? However you feel in the moment, so be it. Your feelings will come and go, sometimes strong and sometimes quiet. Let the difficult feelings be, notice them, and know that you will not always feel this way.
Just as there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is no right or wrong way to grieve during the holidays. Often a big problem is that family members are grieving differently, so please be gentle with them, too.
Give some thought about what you can handle this year, and then only do what feels right. You can skip the whole holiday if you want! It will come around again next year. Have a Plan B and tell friends and family that if you join them, you may need to excuse yourself early. You are taking care of yourself by only doing what feels right.
Acknowledge that this year’s celebrations will be different. Traditions can trigger sadness because of all the memories of doing something the same way for many years; and now that must change. But traditions evolve as people and situations change. You may want to create a new tradition. You can light a candle for your loved one, tell stories about them or buy a charity gift in their name. You can talk to – or write a letter to – your loved one to tell them what new things you are doing in their honor.
A gift we can give to ourselves is expressing our grief. Let the tears fall when they come. Let yourself rest when you are exhausted. Tell stories when you want to connect. Sometimes we try to avoid the pain by avoiding grieving. You will find that leaning into the grief, feeling and expressing those feelings, is a way through the grief. And finally, you will get through the holidays.
Claire is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with expertise in body-oriented psychotherapy. Working for Anthem, she helps people find the right mental health treatment, and consults with employers around risk, safety and mental health issues.