Valentine’s Day. This lovely holiday stirs images of flowers, chocolates, and fancy nights out, but it can also bring out a lot of other, less positive feelings for us, whether we are currently in a relationship or not. Realistically, Valentine's Day is probably not too big of a deal if you are already feeling secure, with yourself or in your current romantic relationship. However, if you struggle with negative feelings about yourself or your partner, it can be tough. I think we have all been there before: it seems rare that anyone could pass through life completely unscathed by struggling with this commercial holiday at some point.
While I have worked with couples in a clinical setting before and have helped them improve communication and break down barriers that contribute to difficulties with intimacy, I am not sure that I would classify myself as a relationship expert. Calling yourself an "expert" on relationships just seems like a title that no one should possess. Although, I do imagine that it's easier to be considered an “expert” on relationships when observing them from the outside. Realistically, relationships hold challenges for all of us.
Like most 30 somethings in today's age, I've had a variety of relationships over the course of my life. Relationships, which have generally been pretty successful, with a few notable "hot messes" scattered in there for good measure. I've had love affairs and short lived flings that have sparked self-growth. I've experienced unrequited love, which has forced me to look at feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. I've had the type of relationship where nothing is really wrong, but also nothing is really right, and I've had the classic "on again, off again" type of relationship where everything is so outlandishly wrong, but you'd do anything for it to be right. I've also had the stable, consistent, long-term partnership type. Chances are, you have probably had a few of these types of relationships too.
In my personal experience, I honestly don't know if I would classify one type of relationship as more valuable than another. "Ideals" for relationships probably all look a little different from person to person. Of course, if you are in a relationship where there is active abuse, this would be the exception. Abuse is not healthy for anyone. We each value slightly different things and consequently will prioritize the importance of certain characteristics in a partner differently, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
At some point in my work with couples and through my own life experiences, I realized that although all relationships are import, the most valuable relationships that you maintain throughout your life is the one that you have with yourself. We often don't think about our relationship with our self or ways to feel whole without the presence of a romantic partner. Our culture loves the idea of love and the idea of finding our “other half” to finally complete oneself. There is little talk in our culture about the importance of loving yourself without it being seen as “selfish” or looked at in a negative light.
I think self-love, internal awareness, self-care, and accepting yourself unconditionally are all important things that we can do our best to practice regularly. Doing so can make us a better partner or open us up to finding a healthy relationship in the future. It makes sense, right? Some of those traits are things that we hope to find in (or give to) a romantic partner.
I know that sometimes it can be hard to know where to start, so I threw together a list of some ideas of simple ways for showing yourself love on Valentine's Day or on any day of the year. These exercises can help us get more comfortable in our own skin, as well as reduce our stress levels by setting better boundaries.
Do something nice for yourself
It's easy to get caught up in what I fondly refer to as "Superman Syndrome" or that deep rooted need to be everything to everyone- whether that's your family, your job, friends, or other self-imposed expectations. Sometimes we can pile so much onto our plates that we get overwhelmed, and when we get overwhelmed, our own self care is usually the first thing to go. You are important! Don't forget about yourself. Prioritize making time for yourself. Think of something that you have wanted to do, but haven't felt that you've had the time for lately. Go do it.
Learn to say “no”
It’s okay to say “no” to things. Toddlers are absolutely great at it, but for some reason, as adults, we tend to lose that ability. Set a goal for a number of times to say it throughout any given week and start practicing setting better boundaries.
Make yourself a cookie jar filled with sweet affirmations
Cut little sheets of paper ala fortune cookie style and write down uplifting quotes, compliments, accomplishments, or positive things you value about yourself. Put them all into a jar. Draw one out and read it, when it’s helpful.
Start a gratitude journal
Write down a few things that went well at the end of each week. This can be things that you felt proud of yourself for accomplishing or things that you are grateful for. You can even write down a few things every day before you go to bed, if that works for you. This helps us to reflect back on the good things that have happened for us and shift our mindset if we tend to gravitate towards pessimism. It also creates a neat collection of memories for us to look back on at the end of the year.
Practice forgiveness or "letting go" of things you may have done wrong
Compassion is important, but often it is easier for us to practice compassion for others before practicing it for ourselves. If there is something weighing you down, try writing it all out on paper. Read it back to yourself and then destroy it (rip it or throw it in your fireplace). Let it go. We all make mistakes, and it is okay to forgive yourself. Don’t hold yourself to a different standard than you would hold others to who you love.
Set boundaries with toxic people in your life
As a rule of thumb, I try to pay attention to my energy levels when I spend time with people in my life, whether it is a friend, a romantic partner, a coworker, a family member, or otherwise. If you have a relationship in your life that is particularly emotionally draining, either cut ties completely with that individual or limit the amount of time you give to the person. It's okay to listen to someone's problems every now and again, but never at the expense of your own emotional health.
Take some "quiet time"
This doesn't necessarily have to be meditation, but it can be. Unplug- turn off the cellphone, close the laptop, and spend some quality time with yourself. Do something with intention: whether it's outside or right within your living room. Take the time to notice the smells and sights that surround you. Pay attention to your breathing. Notice the details that we may typically overlook. Mindfulness can be incorporated into literally anything we do in our day to day activity. It helps us in promoting awareness internally and externally, which can strengthen our ability to focus and also calm our minds. Honor those inner voices. If thoughts come up, let them pass by like clouds in the sky.
These are just some ideas of things to try. It is not an all-inclusive list, by any means. The object of all of these exercises is to encourage you to both take the time to take care of yourself and give you a chance to get to know yourself better. When we do this, we become better partners and set ourselves up for healthier relationships in the future.
Realistically, any time of year is a great time to start caring more for ourselves, but with a holiday based around love already on our calendars, what better time of year to start talking about it and start making it a priority. Loving ourselves is an important piece in becoming and staying mentally healthy. It’s okay, actually it’s necessary to focus on ourselves sometimes. Don’t let the world (or anyone in it) ever try to tell you otherwise.
Melissa Bailey, is a Licensed Professional Counselor, who focuses primarily on solution focused and DBT based treatment. She has worked with adolescents and adults in an Intensive Outpatient Setting, as well as with children and families doing trauma based treatment following natural disasters. Melissa specializes working with crisis, trauma, substance abuse issues, and holistic wellbeing. She currently works at Anthem as a Clinical Care Manager.