Around the time your toddler begins talking and walking, you’ll want to introduce expectations of where, what, and how your toddler can interact not only with you but also with the rest of the world. Welcome to the stage “terrible 2s!”
The “terrible 2s” can start as early as 12 to 14 months and last up to age 4. The themes generally fall into 3 categories;
1) Mastery - “I want to do it” (and I don’t need help no matter how difficult or dangerous the task)
2) Need satisfaction - “ I need/want it” (and now isn’t fast enough)
3) Autonomy - “No” (interpreted as I don’t need you to tell me what to do, or when----EVER!)
These categories reflect your toddler’s developmental challenges of integrating thoughts and feelings into words, understanding the rules of socially acceptable behavior, gratification delay, and limits of his/her capacity for safe behavior. The “terrible 2s” behavior ranges from completely ignoring their parents to full blown tantrums!
In anticipation of this very predicable course of behavior, it might be helpful for you to take some time to think and plan ahead. You and your toddler can find a successful path through this stage of your lives from the following guidelines below:
Make a plan and stick to it: Take time to develop an age appropriate routine response to your toddler’s unacceptable or inappropriate behavior. Be specific but simple in what behavior is expected, what consequences (both negative and positive) will occur, and what strategies you and any co-parent will use in anticipated situations. Be consistent and constant with your plan. Research has shown that parents who handle the “terrible 2s” in predictable ways have greater success with their children in resolving conflicts and shaping behavior. Children who see a consistent parental response to their wayward actions quickly recognize the process and anticipated expectations, conversations and consequences. Toddlers have the ability early in life to recognize patterns of parental behavior and respond appropriately to parental expectations that are consistent.
Keep your cool. Here is your opportunity to practice sounding like a broken record (“it’s time to start our bath…in 2 minutes we’ll start putting away our toys and head upstairs for bathtime…if we don’t get started soon we’ll miss story time…”). Avoid nagging, shaming, negotiating, threatening or intimidating behavior. These approaches usually fail because they don’t provide a predictable pattern of expectations and consequences. Also these parental behaviors may actually reinforce the negative behavior you’re trying to get rid of by delaying or removing what is expected and thus delaying consequences.
If your toddler is engaging in a tantrum or any unsafe behavior, it’s appropriate to immediately protect your child from danger. Holding your toddler and working to de-escalate the situation is a priority. In most cases trying to reason with a toddler in an emotional moment will not be effective. The best time to talk is when your toddler can show that he/she is ready to listen!
Keep the end in mind. Work for a meeting of the minds vs. a battle of the wills. Remind yourself that you are in control over the setting and yourself; not your toddler. Your words and actions are modeling what is appropriate behavior during a family conflict. Don’t get stuck in a win/lose type of thinking. When you sense you are being sucked into a battle of the wills with your toddler, step away from the situation for a moment. Be creative and apply a redirecting strategy (“It’s time for your bath, what toys do you want in the tub with you…”or “we’ll have time for a story after bath and we can read your favorite book and snuggle”) or apply a de-escalating technique (“Okay, let’s take a time out, practice blowing bubbles and use our words”). Remind yourself that the goal is to replace willfulness with willingness through your creative efforts. Express enthusiasm for appropriate behavior and deliver positive rewards for acceptable behavior.
If you find that over a period of a few months you don’t see any progress in your toddler’s willingness to respond to your efforts, you might want to consult a child behavioral health professional. Toddlers that fail to respond to de-escalating techniques, or consistently escalate to self-injurious or physically aggressive patterns of behavior, need special interventions best developed with the help of a professional.
Additional Resources:
Child Development Institute
https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/about/
Baby Center