It seems that people tend to mostly talk about the "Stages of Grief" when someone is experiencing a death or physical loss of another person, but these stages also apply when experiencing other emotion-based losses, such as the end of a marriage or significant relationship. After all, the "death" of a relationship also includes the death of a love and a period of life shared with another person. It can also sometimes include the death of your dreams or what you envisioned your future life looking like with that partner. Any mutual goals that you had together as a couple or were supporting each other in, is also often lost as a result of the breakup. It's not just that person that you are losing, it's the whole package. You are then forced to re-invent what life now looks like without that person, all while trying to manage your own emotional reaction to the loss. It can be challenging.

 

So what ARE the stages of grief and what exactly do they look like when we are experiencing them in the context of the ending of a relationship?

Denial

You can't just seem to admit the relationship is over. Your former partner may even enter into a relationship with someone new, but a part of you still feels like you could potentially get back together.

 

Anger

You may blame your former partner or yourself for the condition of how things are. Maybe you have debt now as a result of the relationship or you are forced to face that your goals will now be harder to obtain as a single person. Maybe you feel like your time was wasted on the relationship. You may have feelings of resentment toward your former partner. Often feelings of resentment can be connected to something that was done which feels as though it lead to the end of the relationship, such as infidelity or emotional distance. Sometimes it isn't connected to anything specifically.

 

Bargaining

This is attempting to renegotiate the terms of the relationship or making promises in attempts to halt or undo the relationship's end. Looking back and feeling as though you can change or your partner can change, or even going to the extent of actually offering this to your partner. "I can change.." "I promise I won't (fill in the blank) ever again" "We can work if we just.." 

 

Depression

Intense feelings of sadness or feelings of hopelessness may surface during a breakup. Feeling alone or feeling as though you will always be alone are common feelings that come up. You may feel as though you will never find someone else again. Sleep and appetite disturbances are also normal in this stage, as well as increases in substance abuse, which can actually intensify depression. It's important to be self-aware, and know when to reach out. Know who your supports are and don't be afraid to access them when you need to.

 

Acceptance

This is considered to be the final stage of the grieving process. You finally get to a point where you feel indifferent towards your former partner and what they are doing. If you have children with your former partner and are co-parenting together, you may find a way to successfully do that while also maintaining emotional boundaries or investment in your former partner, outside of that which directly relates to their parenting. You may also feel hope toward the future and finding new love with another partner.

 

As a disclaimer, I'd like to add that these stages are by no means linear. We do not move through them with any specific pace or direction. We may experience multiple stages simultaneously or we may also experience other emotions such as shock or guilt. These stages are definitely not a yellow brick road to making sense of the loss. It may take a while to reach a place of acceptance. Take as long as you need.

 

Things to do (and not to do) when grieving a relationship:

• Don't try to rationalize the loss.

Maybe you are the one who called it off, or this person had faults (who doesn't?) like emotional instability or significant differences in values from you. Maybe your former partner was abusive or unfaithful or did something you deemed "unforgivable" or a deal breaker. None the less, you will still experience grief and that is okay. Honor it and allow yourself to experience the feelings that are associated with the loss. You don't have to pretend that you’re okay just because you think that you should. What lead up to the loss is only a piece of your experience of the loss. Don't try to logic your way out of your feelings. It's okay to feel sad, as well as to need time to grieve.

 

• Do reach out to your support system.

Surround yourself with family and friends who are supportive and understanding. Sometimes we can struggle to reach out to family or friends, especially when there was abuse or something significant in the relationship that family or friends were aware of. In these situations, the people in our lives who care for us may feel that it was a healthy choice for us to end the relationship, and as a result, they may un-intentionally minimize our feelings of loss. In these situations, it can be helpful to reach out to an outside support. Therapy and support groups can both be wonderful in these cases to help us work through our grief, and your EAP can be extremely helpful by assisting you in finding both.

 

• Don't fill the void with something else.

Whether that's another partner, drugs and alcohol, or simply never allowing yourself a spare moment to think about it. Relationships are all unique. Dating someone else after the ending of one relationship isn't going to diffuse your grieving process, it will merely delay it.

 

• Don't compare your breakup to other breakups that others have experienced.

So maybe your friend ended a relationship and didn't deal with the emotional up's and down's that you are feeling in response to initiating a breakup, or maybe one of your family members is able to remain on friendly terms with his ex-wife despite the fact that their divorce appeared to be a battle. It isn't helpful to compare our own journey to someone else’s. Not everyone takes the same paths in breakups or arrives at the same destinations. Just as relationships are unique- so are breakups. Comparing ourselves to others can sometimes lead us to force ourselves to behave inauthentically, which can make us feel worse in the long run. Just say no.

 

• Do take care of yourself.

Whether that's cutting back on commitments that may have felt manageable previously, staying off social media, or spending more (or sometimes less) time with friends- self-care looks a little different for all of us. The most basic self-care includes making sure that we are getting enough sleep, eating regular meals/snacks, and also exercising and/or using other stress management tools. Effectively managing our stress is very important during something as high stress as a divorce or un-partnering.