We often hear parents joking (or partially joking?) that they look forward to the day their last child leaves the home. The day when the last child heads out the door represents the day that the parents can retake some of their pre-child freedoms. They believe they’ll have more time for themselves and be able to pursue their passions again. While this can be the eventual outcome, there is often a transition period that parents aren’t ready for.  If you’re in that stage in your life, here are just a few thoughts to hopefully make the transition smoother.

To begin with, whatever you are feeling, it’s okay to feel that way. Some parents experience significant sadness, others feel a sense of relief, and still others feel indifferent or numb. Regardless of what emotion you identify with, try not to feel guilty. You’ve likely spent at least the better part of two decades raising a child. You’ve earned your emotions.

It’s not uncommon for parents in this situation to feel like they are mourning a loss and in several ways this is accurate. The parent’s role changes along with daily schedules and responsibilities. This can lead to a lack of sense of self and feelings of emptiness. To address these feelings, a change in perspective might be helpful. For instance, you no longer have to dedicate the same amount of resources to being a parent. You may actually have more time for yourself. It is a great time to consider pursuing interests that you didn’t have the resources for previously. Art? Music? Travel? It’s very likely others in your community have similar interests. You may need to put in the time to find those people and meetup groups (www.meetup.com) are a great place to start looking.

Also consider fulfilling roles you played as a parent in different ways. For example, I once worked with a parent who was struggling with not feeling fulfilled after her children left. She felt she wasn’t giving enough to others, and this was a core value of hers. She was encouraged to try volunteering in various organizations. It took some persistency on her part, but she was able to find a volunteering opportunity that helped her fulfill this core value. 

Being an empty nester doesn’t mean relationships end, rather they change and you as the parent still play an important part in the lives of your children. It’s normal for all relationships to go through periods of change. You and your child may have different expectations around frequency and format of communication. It’s okay to discuss these things before they leave the home.

If you find yourself struggling with depression and feeling lost, don’t hesitate to seek professional counseling. A counselor will be able to help guide you through the grief that is often experienced as an empty nester. Processing these emotions will help relieve their strength, and a counselor will help you implement strategies to move beyond the grief.