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“It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.”

Henry David Thoreau

 

 

As human beings we are hardwired for survival.  Through our evolution we have become skilled at avoiding danger and preventing harm to ourselves.  Part of this mechanism is to judge or evaluate situations, other people or even ourselves in order to prevent pain, ensure survival or avoid negative consequences.  For instance, you may be able to relate to this by thinking about a time you were walking and came across a strange dog or person.  Part of that “hard-wired” mechanism is to evaluate the situation and if you feel threatened or interpret the situation in the lens of danger. Then you will experience the stress response of “fight-flight-freeze”.  We automatically become tight, defensive and our perception may be skewed toward surviving.

 

In this situation, this is a normal reaction.  But you may have had other times that this mechanism “kicked in” and it was less helpful.  Some examples of everyday life experiences may include an office party, meeting a new team member, meetings, trainings, or meeting with a supervisor.   Think about how any of these situations could have unintended consequences if we made judgments about them as “bad” or negative before they even happen.  This same protective skill of judgment can also be what gets in the way of us having positive, fulfilling and connected experiences such as making new friends or that promotion at the office. 

  

Judgments tend to activate extreme emotions.  If you want to live a less judgmental life, you must first become aware of your own automatic thoughts and judgments.  Learning to think non-judgmentally takes practice.  You have to be aware of when judgmental thinking occurs and practice bringing your attention to just the facts.  You can practice non-judgment by utilizing some of these skills from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) originally from Marsha Linehan:

 

 

TAKE A NON-JUDGMENTAL STANCE:  

 

Gently turn your mind to focus on the "what."  See, and don’t evaluate. Observe your thoughts by noticing what you are thinking about. Describe them in a way that would put the words into that you are experiencing and then participate in the moment which allows you to be in the present moment.  You may even be reading this paragraph and make a judgment thinking that you may not be doing it correctly.  You may think of yourself as bad, incompetent or that you “should” be able to do this. These judgements are not helpful.  Instead, notice what you are thinking about, withhold your judgement about what your thought means, and simply observe it and note it.  For instance you may reframe that to “I notice I am thinking that this is difficult” and move through the thoughts. 

 

 

TRY NOT TO JUDGE as "good" or "bad," the "terrible" or "wonderful," the "should" or "should not." Open yourself up to curiosity and focus on the fact that everything simply is what it is.   This is important because you cannot judge and be curious at the same time. Curiosity will allow you to listen and be present. 

 

 

UNGLUE YOUR OPINIONS from the facts, from the "who, what, when, and where." Just notice the opinion and stay in the facts without allowing the opinion to take over.

 

 

ACCEPT each moment, each event, as a blanket spread out on the lawn accepts both the rain and the sun, each leaf that falls upon it.

 

 

ACKNOWLEDGE the helpful, the wholesome, but don't judge it. Acknowledge the harmful, the unwholesome, but don't judge it.

 

When you find yourself judging, DON'T JUDGE THE JUDGING.  This does take time and practice.  We are conditioned to place judgements about our observations and these tools will assist in treating yourself more gently and allow you the opportunity to let go of some of the garbage that may have become automatic. 

 

Be mindful. Catch yourself before you speak, or send an email and do any potential harm. Pause. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. Try to rephrase your critical internal thought into a positive or at least a neutral one.

 

Look at your own behavior. Sometimes, we may be judging someone for something that we do ourselves, or have done.

 

We have been hardwired to believe that judging ourselves, others, or events will protect us from real or perceived danger. But what if this is the “true danger”, that judgment prevents us from authentic connections with others, genuine self-knowledge/awareness, and living our most meaningful lives?

 

 

Additional Reading:

 

How to Practice Nonjudgmental Mindfulness

 

Person Perception Is How We Form Impressions of Others

 

3 Causes for Judging People (And How to Accept Yourself)

 

10 Reasons to Stop Judging People