My sisters, brother and I have been concerned for our mother for the past 5 years. We worried about her because she is advancing in age and still lives alone. We also have worried about her ability to drive as her hearing and vision are declining. Unfortunately, on July 19, 2017 my mother had a stroke. The effects of her stroke left her with a very slight weakness on her right side. She is fortunate. However she can no longer live alone or drive. So, straight from the hospital my mother moved in with my husband and me.

 

We had been planning for her to come live with us and were slowly turning our basement family room into a studio apartment for her. Needless to say we had to move up our timetable for completing the apartment to accommodate her needs. My husband spent the next few weekends finishing the trim, hanging shelves and framing the door to her apartment. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought my mother would move in and she and I would spend time together doing our favorite hobbies and enjoying each other’s company. Boy was I wrong!

 

First you have to know a little something about my mother. She is a 78 year old kid. She is young at heart and always ready for a good time. She loves to dance, listen to music, laugh and be active. She has always been energetic and a good time ready to happen. She does not accept that her 78 year old body cannot keep up with her energetic mind. She is also very stubborn.

 

When we moved her into our house I was immediately caught up in a whirlwind of activities. We had neurology appointments, physical therapy appointments, prescriptions to pick up, and medical equipment to obtain. My daily life became very busy with her multiple appointments and my full-time job. It was stressful but I assumed eventually the appointments would be less frequent and I would get more organized and develop a routine that would smooth out the rough spots. I work from home so I am able to check on my mother often. As the months went by the appointments did become less frequent and the reality of having her in my home set in. She is not able to drive. She is forgetful, she asks the same questions over and over. She forgets to take her medications sometimes. She has mixed 2 different types of medications in one prescription bottle thinking they were generics of the same medicine, but they weren’t. She has sleep apnea but did not know where her CPAP machine was. She overdrew her checking account. To top it all off she came to our house to live with 2 small dogs in tow. She had not only neglected her health but neglected the health of her dogs too. I was overwhelmed and frustrated.

 

I began by taking over her medications and by setting up her pills in a pill minder with a separate compartment for each day’s pills. I put the extra pills back into the pill bottles and stored them in an out of the way place so she would not have easy access to them. I started feeding her dogs and letting them outside to “do their thing” each morning. I took over her checking account, signed up for on line banking and organized her bills. I took her dogs to the veterinarian for their annual shots and examinations, and obtained flea medicine for them. I was starting to get things under control when my mother returned from a 2 week stay at my sister’s saying she was going to take back control of her medications and her checking account and manage them on her own.

 

I was stunned. Do I put my foot down and insist? Do I let her try again? Do I reason with her and hope that she agrees with me? Being a care giver is much like being a new parent. There is no training for this job! You don’t know what you are doing. You are afraid you are not doing enough or doing too much. You don’t want to take their independence away. It is difficult to know when to say “That’s enough, it is not safe for you to do this anymore and I am going to do it.” After all they are the parent and you are the child, right? No! The roles are reversed now and it can be hard to get used to insisting things be done your way.  A good caregiver has to be patient and discuss each decision with their parent. And sometimes they still don’t agree with you. You just have to do what is in their best interest. That is hard.

 

I can’t say I know everything there is to know about care giving. I can say I have learned a lot and continue to learn. I am about 8 months into it and it is not for WEENIES.

 

Here is what I learned so far on my journey as a care giver.

• Build a support network to help. Your network should include the physicians caring for your parent, Physical therapist, your EAP counselor, friend, and family. For me this meant having one sister make calls when we needed it. She made those medical calls to make sure the hospital submitted my mother’s bills to both insurance companies, etc. The other sister is in charge of preparing my mother’s house to sell. My brother provides the help on managing her utilities and repairs. He calls the plumber to fix the hot water heater etc.

 

• Seek out all resources of information that you can. I started by reading everything I could on the AARP website, www.aarp.org, I looked online at the Council on Aging website at www.NCOA.org for information. I also took my mother down to my local senior center to find out what they have available there. You can get social workers to help that are paid for by Medicare. Your EAP counselor can be helpful in providing this information and more. Look for community workshops on different topics. For instance, I signed up for a workshop that provides information and contacts for local resources for the elderly. The workshop is free and provided lunch.

 

• Ask others who have already been caring for their senior parent for suggestions.  Attend a local support group for caregivers. The support group doesn’t have to be just for the caregiver of the elderly, a support group for caregivers of other dependents or caregivers of people with dementia will work too. Ask your senior’s physician or physical therapist for suggestions.

 

• Decide what things you need to do and what things you can set up your parent to do on their own, and don’t forget to delegate tasks to family and friends when you can.  Remember to take into account the risk involved if your parent does not complete the task or completes it incorrectly. Consider asking others to provide transportation to medical appointments or for a few hours of entertainment for your parent at the park or a movie. For tax preparation AARP offers Tax-Aide through their web site https://www.aarp.org/money/taxes/info-2018/aarp-tax-help-fd.html?intcmp=AE-HP-WFY3

 

These suggestions will get you started with the help you need. However, be patient in this process. It is easy to get overwhelmed. Don’t feel like you have to take on everything at once. Just put one foot in front of the other and work on the most pressing items first. And lastly, don’t expect others to know what you need. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you need.

  

Debra started her career with a Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration from Florida Atlantic University and worked for 15 years in business management and human resources. She then made a career change by earning her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology at Kennesaw State University & her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling at Georgia State University. She has worked in the mental health field with adults of all ages including young adults and geriatric adults for the past 5 years in various capacities. She has worked as a group therapist in an outpatient treatment program, as a Mental Health counselor in an in-patient adult geriatric program, and as a community mental health counselor. She has interest and experience in depression, anxiety, women’s issues, family/work balance, parenting, and stress management. She enjoys spending her leisure time with her husband and three adult sons, going kayaking, quilting, and gardening.