How do you move through the world? Eager or hesitant? Passionate or mellow? Sunny or gloomy? We are all born with unique characteristics. The Temperament Model (Thomas & Chess, 1977) describes inherent behavioral styles, which are part of an individual’s personality. The beauty of this model is that it is non-judgmental. Temperament traits are neither good nor bad. They are simply different ways of being. When we are in relationship – for example with our children or our spouse – identifying temperament traits can reveal how we experience the world compared to our loved one.

Child psychiatrists, Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess, identified nine temperament traits through their longitudinal study of children. All of the traits are measured on a continuum – most of us fall somewhere along the scale rather than at the extremes. Traits are found to be consistent over a person’s lifetime. Parents can rate their infant on these scales and they will likely see the same tendencies throughout their child’s life. Adults can look back and see how their basic temperament has remained the same, even as they have learned to cope with the environment in some way.

 The nine temperament traits are:

• Activity level: Some people are always high-energy and moving (even in sleep). Others are more calm and low-energy.
• Regularity: Some people get hungry and tired at predictable times. Others can change sleep and meal times from day to day with little effect.
• Approach: High-approach is an eagerness for new experiences. A low-approach (or cautious-approach) style is one with more hesitancy.
• Adaptability: High-adaptability reflects an inner-flexibility with change and ease with transitions. Those with low-adaptability thrive with a consistent schedule and transitions may take longer.
• Sensitivity: High-sensitivity people perceive light, touch, sound, tastes and smells more intensely. Low-sensitivity people are less responsive to these stimuli; they need more intense stimuli to elicit a response.
• Intensity: High-intensity people react strongly with emotions and may be loud. Low-intensity people may not show emotions even when they feel them.
• Quality of mood: Some people tend to have a positive worldview. Others tend to focus on negative aspects of reality.
• Distractibility: High-distractibility people get pulled away from the task at hand when new stimuli are introduced. Low-distractibility people can focus longer on a task, even when it’s not very interesting to them.
• Persistence: High-persistence people have the ability to stick with a problem to overcome obstacles. Low-persistence people become more easily discouraged when faced with a challenge.

How is this useful in relationships?

 The first step is to identify each person’s traits. After a temperament assessment (often done in the context of parenting classes or family therapy), a common reaction is “Aha!” Patterns of behavior have a name. How are you and your loved one similar and different? If you are high-energy, you may feel your low-energy loved one is lazy. If you are low-sensitivity, you may wonder why your high-sensitivity loved one is bothered by so many things! Some pairs are more ideal than others, of course, but the first step is tuning into each person’s individuality.

The next step is to cultivate empathy for each trait and to reframe any negative connotations. Work towards acceptance rather than blame. Finding positive aspects of each trait is the key. A “melodramatic” spouse can be thought of in more neutral terms as high-intensity. Instead of being “crybabies,” highly sensitive people notice things others don’t and are good at noticing others’ feelings.  Your child’s “stubbornness” is the same high-persistent quality that will allow him/her to succeed in school and career. Just knowing that these styles of being are fundamentally who we are can start a path toward empathy.

The main points to remember are that temperament traits are innate, recognizable in infancy and consistent over a lifetime. We generally don’t change our temperament, but we can adapt to and learn to cope with our environment. In relationships, we can also adapt to and learn to cope with each other’s styles.

 References: Thomas and Chess (1977). Temperament and Development.

Claire is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with expertise in body-oriented psychotherapy.