Addiction...

It’s a word that we often hear in our society yet often avoid due to how uncomfortable it makes us feel. Addiction is a life long journey that impacts not only the addict, but those closest to the addict.  This article will focus on parenting when your partner or spouse is struggling with an addiction. This can be very confusing as there is often a conflict between wanting children to have a relationship with the addicted parent, but also wanting to protect the children. Parents in these situations often look for black and white answers yet the reality is that each situation is unique and needs to be treated as such.

 

While there may not be solid answers for a parent in this situation to follow, there are guidelines that can be used to help make the best of this situation for the children involved:

 

1)     Get professional help

Even if the child is still a baby, consider finding a provider in your area who has experience in substance abuse issues. They will be able to help you process through current parenting decisions and how addiction can influence these decisions. They can also help you think through future scenarios that may arise. Contact your EAP for help with finding local providers who have experience with these issues.

 

2)     Keep your priorities straight

As a non-addicted parent, your first priority is to the child(ren), not the addict. It is common to want to hide the addiction and not talk about it or seek help. Shame and guilt are common emotions that non-addicted parents experience in this situation, yet ask yourself if keeping silent and not seeking help is in your child’s best interest.

 

3)     Be honest and realistic about the situation

Do not ignore the substance abuse issue. It is not uncommon for the non-addicted parent to hope things will improve on their own. Addicts, often with good intentions, will make promises about getting help and maintaining sobriety. We want to believe their words. We want to hope for their sobriety.  Hope is an important part of being in a relationship with an addict, however, this hope needs to be seen in the context of reality, and a professional can help you maintain the appropriate perspective.

  

4)     Find support for yourself

Beyond finding a professional therapist to work with, consider utilizing local support groups like Al-Anon (www.al-anon.org). Groups such as Al-Anon help people know they are not alone. There are many others in this situation and just acknowledging one’s situation can often reduce levels of stress and emotions such as shame and guilt.

 

5)     Find resources for your child

While it is true there are themes children of addicts experience (e.g  - feelings of rejection as the addicted parent chooses the drug over the child), how and when this is expressed by the child is unique. Some children of addicts don’t begin to consider how being raised by an addict impacted them until they are in their 20s and 30s. Other children start to show symptoms through anger and being withdrawn at a much younger age. It’s difficult to know how your child will respond, but you can be prepared at each stage of your child’s life. There are many resources available from books to individual counselors that can help you help your child.

 

It’s normal for non-addicted parents not to know what to do for their children in this situation. It is never a bad idea to take your child to a local therapist and have them assessed. The provider will be able to help you determine an appropriate course of action. But again, keep in mind you are not alone in this situation. There are many resources available to you and your family.