Wrapped up in our ever increasingly hectic schedules we find it more and more difficult to pay attention to the ones we are closest too.  We get up at six a.m., rush to get the kids up, get some food on the table, rush to get them off to school. Somewhere in there we get dressed, maybe eat something ourselves and get in the car for an hour long commute. We work all day, maybe we make a phone call to our significant other to touch base, maybe we get a text from our teenager checking in.

 

We get back in the car to run errand, drop the kids off at a soccer match, run several more errands, and shortly afterwards bring them to the tutor. We rush home to eat dinner while one kid is on their phone and the other is playing video games.  Your significant other walks in mid-dinner, goes upstairs and gets on the computer to continue to work. You are barely able to utter “hi” or “how was your day” before everyone is off doing their own thing or in bed.

 

What gets lost in the monotony and chaos is the importance of family and emotional connection. Family is our first line of support. Strengthening those connections are critical to building resilience.

 

Here are several suggestions that can help to build that connection:

• Put the phones down. Put them in a basket or on a charger away from sight and sound. Turn them off at a set time, say for example right before dinner. Keep the family at a distance from outside distractions during the evening. If this seems impossible then try it several times per week or even just once a week.

 

• Likewise, turn the computers, TV’s, and electronic games off in the evening at a set time preferably two hours before bed. (Not only does this create an opportunity to connect but will promote better sleep!)

 

• Create rituals. Rituals create emotional connection. For one family that may be a prayer before a meal, for another it may be lighting a candle at dinner, a moment of silence and holdings hands. Even having dinner together at a set time is a ritual. Go around the table and ask how your day was. Don’t just ask. Listen. Ask questions. Show love, empathy and respect. Ask what you were grateful for today. If there is something you hear that you disagree with, politely disagree. Arguments aren’t for the dinner table or times of ritual. It’s OK to go back to discussing things later.

 

• Create a day of service at least once a month, or several times per year. For some families that may be working at a homeless shelter for a day, others with older children could help to build homes in their community. Whatever it may be that time spent together will create connection, and you will not only be providing service but will also build resilience.

 

• Plan on an activity at night where you are interacting together. For our family it may be a short bike ride, a walk, or a family game night.  Get it on the calendar so everyone knows this is the plan.

 

• By no means is this list all encompassing.  Sit down with your family and come up with your own list. It doesn’t have to be hour long activities – it could be 10 minute check in’s on the car ride to soccer or on a Sunday night before the new week begins. The trick is to make it happen.

 

 

Neal got his bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of Oregon and  his Master’s degree in Social Work from Loyola University- Chicago.  He has interned in both hospital and school settings.  Neal worked at a residential treatment program in Denver, Colorado and Outward Bound where he mananged courses for adolescents and adults utilizing an adventure based setting to teach skills such as leadership, team-work, communication and self-reliance. Neal has been working with the Employee Assistance Program for the past 14 years.  Neal is also an avid runner recently finishing the 2014 Boston Marathon and he holds a certification as a running coach.  He has strong interests in sport, performance and exercise psychology.